I stirred through the night, wrestling with my thoughts. Prayed all the way to work, trying to make sense of the things in my mind. I was baffled. Isn't is amazing when the Holy Spirit prompts something we weren't expecting?
Ready for my head trip? Probably not. It's super spooky in there.
Why am I always searching for approval? Someone to make me feel legitimate? I've come to the place that I know God has me for right now. I don't know how long this season will last, but I know it's where I am and where He wants me. Why isn't that enough for me? Why do I have this need to be needed? This longing to be sought after? Is it my own pride?
More so, why am I not being sought after? Am I not loving enough? Is my wisdom not valuable? Am I not righteous enough?
It's me. It's me? it.is.me. Not only me - it's satan having power over me.
I'm not a good enough leader. I'm not a worthy professional. These are lies that I allow satan to place in my thoughts. However, I have some responsibility in this. As much as I would like to blame it all on him, it's also my own weakness allowing him power over certain parts of me - my life.
While considering my word, constant, I had a list of areas where I knew this word would be relevant. I just didn't think it would hit so close to home - I thought it would work for tasks, ministry, to-do lists - not work in myself. What?
Here's the thing. We're being transparent here. And I'm learning. Always learning.
I'm mean. My words cut. I can be harsh. Unexpectedly crass.
I can blame this on many things. But I won't. It's my issue. Here. Now. I need to own it.
My delivery of one-liners is quick and can hit the deepest nerve in another womans soul. Why do I do this? I want to be dependable, loyal, constant, steadfast, faithful, unswerving in love. Yet, I hurt people. Why? Proverbs 15:1 - A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
I'm sarcastic to the point of pain - of course, I don't realize it at the time... it's only afterwards, when someone has the guts to tell me how I've acted. Confronting me isn't easy. I can be defensive. I can debate and justify with the best of them... why do I do this?
Ephesians 4:29 - Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.
satan. I've given him a foothold in my life.
I have to learn to find the balance between doormat and aggressive. The ability to be passionate about something, yet honor God and be obedient when it's time to not fight that fight. Proverbs 12:18 - There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
When I see injustices in my friends lives and feel the need to fight for them. It isn't my fight. When I feel like my words are falling on deaf ears, I feel attacked - emotionally and spiritually. I take it personal. It isn't my fight. I'm learning. Always learning.
I've grown. In so many areas, I'm different. Not who I once was. Isn't that what God does in our lives. We have Jesus and we become born-again. We are new creations in Him. Why isn't that enough for me?
I'm still searching for validation from people.
I need to be needed. It's the desire of my heart. Yet, my need to be needed is contradicted by my bad behavior. My swift words. My heart that loves too much. My passion for everything to be right, just, true.
Here I sit - just me and my word, constant. Just me and Jesus. He's loving me enough. He's glad for me and in me. Psalm 19:14 - Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.
In Him, I find my peace and joy. The unswerving love to pour out into other people. Into women. Women who need to know His truth and love. Women who want to know Jesus and not by way of my cutting words.
Ephesians 4:32 - Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
I'm working in this, on this, because of this. A constant work in me is being done. Today. Tomorrow. Always.
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