It's been about a month...

Yep. It's been a month since I've blogged. I'm okay with that.

It's been a busy month. A crazy month. A messy month. A "how-am-I-ever-gonna-get-through-all-of-this" kinda month. A really great month!

There are so many changes either happened, happening, or will be happening and it's all so scary and exciting. There are three things keep me grounded.

God.
Kid.
Girls.

Really. Yes...that's my list! heh.

I have a GREAT God who is walking right next to me.

I have a GREAT kid who is working his tail off to learn his own way.

I have GREAT girls, including my family girls, who will just let me melt down. Build me up. Help me when I'm in a jam. Laugh with me. Share their joys with me. Let me walk alongside them. Allow me time to process. Allow me to cry. Let me be completely stupid and crazy. And take me to see the Rocky Mountains on my birthday. I have really great friends!

So, in this moment, in this season - I am holding on tight to my Daddy God. Remembering his unfailing love. Remembering my desire and heart to be constant in Him. Remembering His goodness.

Changes are comin!

Yikes! It's time for my 5 minute Friday post and I haven't had time to post a thing all week. 

In this, I shall remain constant - I pray. =]

I'm moving, y'all! It's sudden, unexpected, and scary. At the same time, it's exciting, refreshing, and necessary! Have you ever had a week or two feeling every emotion possible? 

That's where I've been for the last 10 days or so. 

Scared - yep. Worried - yep. Unsure - yep. Wondering - yep. Failure - yep. 

Even with His love, His care, His compassion - I am human. I am flesh. And I have my moments of doubt. 

It's hard to admit that, but it's true!

Why am I in this position? Why does He not love me enough? Why am I not good enough to enjoy a peaceful life? Why, why, why?

Well, because there is something WAY bigger than I can even see happening here. After a couple days of sheer panic, lots of tears, and just talking it out - I'm at peace. Total complete peace. 

Ephesians 3:20-21 (ESV)

²⁰ Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, ²¹ to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

I have 5 minutes here, folks! I *will* go deeper into this feeling - but I gots 5 minutes, y'all!

This aching heart... - 5 Minute Friday

If I said to you, "do you ever feel Jesus pain?" You'd think I was crazy... I mean who *feels* Jesus pain?

Let's me explain during my 5 minutes for this Friday.

As I grow closer to Christ, my relationship with Him deepens. I have joy overflowing, but I also have sorrow overflowing. The things I see, hear, witness, etc... are heartbreaking. There are things that I can do *nothing* about. We cannot make anyone else understand what the love of a Holy, Omnipotent, Loving Savior feels like. It's an experience that person has to feel all on her own.

As I was driving home yesterday, my heart soft, as it seems to be all the time now... All I could think about is this...

If this feeling, pain, angst, sorrow, undoneness is how *I* feel - how then must Jesus have felt as He walked this earth. How then must God feel every.single.day when we fail Him over and over and over again.

I don't have any answers. No challenges. No words of wisdom for how not to feel this way.

I'm only being transparent.

This is how I feel.

Joyful and sad. Happy and broken. Full of tears in one moment and praising Him all the same.

When I stop feeling this way - I've lost who God has called me to be. 

This is right where I'm supposed to be and God will grow me here. Right here.

This is the hard eucharisteo. It makes sense now.

Failure is not my Middle Name!

As parents, we fail. Often.

We are broken people.

Failing my boy is one of the worst pains I've ever felt. Knowing that I've gotten in his way or not prepared him well is devastating.

From the simplest of things – like not showing him where the emergency brake is on the car and thus he fails the driving test – or to the largest of things like not knowing how to fully trust God’s timing.

Because of my relationship with Christ, I can see things as a minor setback and know that God will make it right in His time.

My boy – not so much. He doesn't get it.

I get that.

He sees failure. I see patience. He sees regret. I see lessons. He sees anger. I see grace.

My walk with Jesus is not the same as his walk. My journey began when I was 32 and he had already lived more life than any 10 year old should have lived. I failed him.

Though, we are not doomed to be failures. Failure is a lack of success. In Christ, all things are made new. Each day is a new beginning. In Christ, we find success.

Trying to teach this concept to someone who knows and understands the simple truths of God, but doesn't understand how big our God is, is hard. Real hard.

Ephesians 3:20-21 (ESV) 20 Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, 21 to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

Each day, when a failure smacks me dead in the face, I cling to that verse. Yep – I failed. But, I serve a big, huge, mighty God and He is Able! He’s able to go beyond my beyond and way past anything we can ever think to imagine.

Don’t ever begin to think you are a failure. You’re not! God didn't make any mistakes! If we fail at something, we do better next time. Remember that God’s timing is perfect! 

Proof of His Love challenge!

This post has been writing itself, in my head, for months. My closest friends know that I’ve been struggling lately. With what, I’m not entirely sure. I’ve been calling it broken heartedness.

I prayed some time ago for Jesus to break my heart with what breaks His heart. Since then, I’ve been walking around broken hearted. Shocking, right?! I have a friend who prayed once (I’m totally paraphrasing) about our lack of suffering and, in comparison, not only to Jesus, but many others in this world, we have no idea what it means to suffer. She asked for suffering?! I didn’t understand it when she first told me years ago – I understand now.

When I think about narcissistic people, I think of the world. I think of people who don’t know Jesus and, therefore, don’t know the true love, compassion, humility of Christ. I think of a mental disorder. I think of crazy, mass killings with no cause or reason. I think of horrific crimes as seen on TV police dramas… I think of all things “bad.”

I don’t think of Christians.

I don’t think of me.

When I think of greed, I think of those who have too much and give very little. I think of those who always want bigger, better, more. I think of people who will do anything to meet their needs. I think of people who will use, abuse, and throw away those who don’t fit into their pretty package of life.

I don’t think of Christians.

I don’t think of me.

Dumb.

I’m finding, more often than I’d ever like to admit, that we live in a world of narcissistic and greedy people – regardless of a relationship had or not had with Christ.

“If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.” ― Stephen Colbert

Wow. Yes!

Wikipedia describes narcissism this way: “is a generalized personality trait characterized by egotism, vanity, conceit, or selfishness. Narcissism is usually considered a problem in a person or group's relationships with self and others.”

David Thomas, PhD, suggests that narcissists typically display most, and sometimes all, of the following traits:
·         An obvious self-focus in interpersonal exchanges
·         Problems in sustaining satisfying relationships
·         A lack of psychological awareness
·         Difficulty with empathy
·         Problems distinguishing the self from others
·         Hypersensitivity to any insults or imagined insults
·         Vulnerability to shame rather than guilt
·         Haughty body language
·         Flattery towards people who admire and affirm them
·         Detesting those who do not admire them
·         Using other people without considering the cost of doing so
·         Pretending to be more important than they really are
·         Bragging (subtly but persistently) and exaggerating their achievements
·         Claiming to be an "expert" at many things
·         Inability to view the world from the perspective of other people
·         Denial of remorse and gratitude

As followers of Christ, and finding new life in Christ, are we not supposed to clothe ourselves in compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience? Forgive one another as Christ forgave us? Over all these things, aren’t we to love?

We LOVE. That’s our calling. We love Him, and because of that love for Him, we love others. Period. We love struggling couples, we love new moms, we love those without a home, we love those who break the law, we love those who are not kind, we love the unloveable, and we care for those who are in need! Without love, there is nothing.

I would like to think greed and selfishness are only in people who don’t know Jesus, but it just wouldn’t be true. There are greedy people in this world who proclaim the love of Christ.  It’s our sinful nature. In Colossians 3 we are reminded of how we used to be, as non-believers. But we are also told, beginning in verse 12, who we are now and how we should behave with Christ in our heart.

Remember that time we felt hopeless, lonely, burdened. Yet someone came alongside to offer a lending hand. That’s what we should think about when looking at others who *need* us.

I have a passion for wounded people. For unjust things. We’ve discussed this in previous posts. I think it’s just starting to come full circle for me.

I’m tired.

I’m tired of seeing, hearing, watching people do little or nothing to love others. I’m sick when I see someone pleading for a little compassion and that person is just ignored, passed by, unacknowledged. Unloved. Rudeness shown to them, no empathy, a missed opportunity. Of course, these are not things I see all the time, but I do see it way more than I’d like. I can only state what I see and feel.

I’m not saying this to pretend that I’m perfect or that I’m above all this – I’m NOT! I have that flesh desire, the sinful nature, the yearning to be selfish right into the core of who I am. But what I really want to see is that we all, together, strive to be better than our flesh. A longing to fulfill the mission the Jesus started. The desire to fulfill our responsibility to Him. I mean, come on, the Man died for us! The least we can do is our best for Him.

Our actions speak volumes to other people. Love takes sacrifice. We sacrifice our time, money, comfort, space, etc… It doesn’t matter if you say you love – it matters if you show you love.

How are we supposed to show the love of Christ and the truth of His word to people who don’t believe when we are too concerned with ourselves?

IT ISN’T ABOUT US!

Following all the rules is great, but if there hasn’t been a heart change, directly from Jesus, then what’s the point?

So what is my argument in all of this?

I just want to see more love. More compassion. More empathy. More of a willingness to help. I want people to know about Christ’s love because they see it in us and they want to know more about it. I want to hurt more if it means someone else can hurt less.

I want to see a less narcissistic, less greedy society. I want to see lovers of God to stand in the gap for Him when needed. Lend a helping hand when given a chance. Do what’s right, not what’s comfortable. Do what needs to be done, not dependent on what’s in it for us. 

I want for us to be the person that people admire, not because of who we are, but because of Him in us.

Can we do this together? Will you hold me accountable? Will you ensure that my love is always constant? Will you help me to always be sure that His desire is way more important than my own?

I’ll help you, if you help me. I’ll help you even if you don’t help me. =]

(based on Bible Verses: 1 Cor. 13: 1-3 as spoken by For King & Country in their song, Proof of Your Love)

If I can speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy

But I don't love; I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate

If I speak God's word with power, revealing all His mysteries

And making everything as plain as day

And if I say to a mountain jump and it jumps

But I don't love, I'm nothing

If I give all I own to the poor

Or if I even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr

But I don't have love, I've gotten nowhere

So, no matter what we say, no matter what we believe, no matter what we do

We're bankrupt without love.

January 30 and 31 Joy Dares

January 30 Joy Dare - 3 old things seen new.

My car. Let me explain. My car and I have not always been friendly. I've even been quite mad at it sometimes. However, I'm so grateful that my car, with 183,000 miles, is still chuggin along for me. I drive between 80-100 miles on a normal day and even more when I have errands and such to run. It was a little quirky for a while, but it seems to have healed itself to some degree in order to let me continue to stack the miles on. I pray I can make it last another year or so, if not longer!

My boy and his manners. You know that moment when you just know something is different and you're able to recognize it. I've noticed, in the last couple of months, anywhere and everywhere I drive my son, ends with a thank you. Even if I'm picking him up from work, dropping him off at work - simple tasks that all moms do. He will seek me out to thank me, in case he forgot as we were getting out of the car. He was always mostly polite, but lost some of his touch during his mid-teen years - thank yous became hit or miss, depending mostly on the mood.  They've returned, full-force, and it makes my heart happy.

Me. I can hardly begin to understand God's grace, mercy, forgiveness, love... yet, here I am. Forgiven. Loved. He has made me new. He has washed me clean. He has given me a heart that breaks for Him. A heart that seeks Him. He has redeemed this old gal.

January 31 Joy Dare - A gift on paper, in a person, in a picture.

This paper greets me each morning as I sit at my desk. Nothing fancy. Just a piece of paper. Gentle reminder. My Jesus. 

Nicole. One of the things I love most about my day is snuggle time with Nicole. Hardly a night goes by that she doesn't jump into my lap and tell me about her day. She brings me joy. 

My heart longs for this place. This nation. One day, I will walk amidst these trees. Love the people. Share the gospel. 

Constantly moving... hopefully, forward.

I stirred through the night, wrestling with my thoughts. Prayed all the way to work, trying to make sense of the things in my mind. I was baffled. Isn't is amazing when the Holy Spirit prompts something we weren't expecting?

Ready for my head trip? Probably not. It's super spooky in there. 

Why am I always searching for approval? Someone to make me feel legitimate? I've come to the place that I know God has me for right now. I don't know how long this season will last, but I know it's where I am and where He wants me. Why isn't that enough for me? Why do I have this need to be needed? This longing to be sought after? Is it my own pride?

More so, why am I not being sought after? Am I not loving enough? Is my wisdom not valuable? Am I not righteous enough?

It's me. It's me? it.is.me. Not only me - it's satan having power over me. 

I'm not a good enough leader. I'm not a worthy professional. These are lies that I allow satan to place in my thoughts. However, I have some responsibility in this. As much as I would like to blame it all on him, it's also my own weakness allowing him power over certain parts of me - my life. 

While considering my word, constant, I had a list of areas where I knew this word would be relevant. I just didn't think it would hit so close to home - I thought it would work for tasks, ministry, to-do lists - not work in myself. What?

Here's the thing. We're being transparent here. And I'm learning. Always learning. 

I'm mean. My words cut. I can be harsh. Unexpectedly crass. 

I can blame this on many things. But I won't. It's my issue. Here. Now. I need to own it. 

My delivery of one-liners is quick and can hit the deepest nerve in another womans soul. Why do I do this? I want to be dependable, loyal, constant, steadfast, faithful, unswerving in love. Yet, I hurt people. Why? Proverbs 15:1 - A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

I'm sarcastic to the point of pain - of course, I don't realize it at the time... it's only afterwards, when someone has the guts to tell me how I've acted. Confronting me isn't easy. I can be defensive. I can debate and justify with the best of them... why do I do this? 

Ephesians 4:29 - Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

satan. I've given him a foothold in my life. 

I have to learn to find the balance between doormat and aggressive. The ability to be passionate about something, yet honor God and be obedient when it's time to not fight that fight. Proverbs 12:18 - There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

When I see injustices in my friends lives and feel the need to fight for them. It isn't my fight. When I feel like my words are falling on deaf ears, I feel attacked - emotionally and spiritually. I take it personal. It isn't my fight. I'm learning. Always learning.

I've grown. In so many areas, I'm different. Not who I once was. Isn't that what God does in our lives. We have Jesus and we become born-again. We are new creations in Him. Why isn't that enough for me? 

I'm still searching for validation from people. 

I need to be needed. It's the desire of my heart. Yet, my need to be needed is contradicted by my bad behavior. My swift words. My heart that loves too much. My passion for everything to be right, just, true. 

Here I sit - just me and my word, constant. Just me and Jesus. He's loving me enough. He's glad for me and in me. Psalm 19:14 - Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.

In Him, I find my peace and joy. The unswerving love to pour out into other people. Into women. Women who need to know His truth and love. Women who want to know Jesus and not by way of my cutting words. 

Ephesians 4:32 - Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

I'm working in this, on this, because of this. A constant work in me is being done. Today. Tomorrow. Always. 

January 14 Joy Dare

January 14 Joy Dare - 3 startling graces of God.

I love this one! =]

When the Holy Spirit guides me down an unexpected path. The are some things we know God calls us to do and then there are things that just *BAM* show up and slap us upside the head... for me, that's sometimes how the Holy Spirit has to work in me. I'm hard headed. =]

His forgiveness. When I mess up, which, let's face it, is often - I know that if I am truly sorry for what I've done, I can just wash it away. It doesn't matter. It's gone. He loves me.

His love. Again, no matter where I go wrong, right, sideways... He's there and He loves me. He never turns from me or gives up on me. Ever. Isn't that refreshing?!

Weekend Joy Dares

The weekend just gets away from us sometimes, doesn't it? It especially gets away from us during NFL playoff games - I'm just sayin... =]

I was hoping to gather a couple photos on Saturday for my Joy Dare, but it didn't happen - life happened. It happens.

January 12 Joy Dare - Something above, below, beside.

The roof above my head! I've had a really difficult couple of years financially and I've been so blessed to have great friends to offer up a wee bit of their home for my son and I to call our own. While I really, really miss having my own home - sharing one with people who love me so much is pretty awesome, too.

My gift below is my footing. I think that even though I still tremble at times and even though I still slip a little, I'm grateful for the firm foundation that Christ has allowed for me. I feel as if my footing is more secure than ever and I can stand firmly on it.

isn't he precious?!

My gift beside (on Saturday) was Tiki... Tiki is my obnoxiously fat cat. On any given evening - he is the first to greet me when I get home, the one who sits beside me while I pine away at the laptop, catch up on some work, or even while I'm in the bathroom. He's been a constant companion to me since I moved to this area in 2004. I love him mucho!



January 13 Joy Dare - 3 things about yourself that you're grateful for.

hmmm... how can I spin this so it looks like it's about me, but it really isn't... Oh!

I have really great taste in friends! I have some of the best friends ever and a really love the support system that God has put around me. =]

I am grateful for my desire to learn. It's almost obsessive. Okay, it probably is obsessive. I think sometimes others may think that I'm being freakishly demanding, but I really just want to know what makes things tick, what makes YOU tick, where does it say that, why did that happen, why did she choose that road and not that one. It isn't judgement, it's curiosity and the desire to know why, how, when, where... don't hate me for asking a gad-zillion questions. It comes from a good place, I promise.

I'm grateful for my path. I do my very best to not have regrets. Sure, there are things I wish I would have done differently, but that doesn't mean I regret those choices. It means that those choices are the ones that led me to this exact place at this exact moment. There may be a whole gang of women that I get to minister to because of those choices. No regrets.

The Romans Project

My word is constant, right? That means I need to be constant. Remain steadfast. Be loyal. I need YOU to help me. Hold me accountable. Be my sister and tell me when I'm not being steadfast.

Another challenge presented by Ann Voskamp today was to join her in The Romans Project.

If you visit her page, she has quite a few ways to tackle this project and to find a way to make it work for you. More or less, she's asked us to memorize 3 chapters in the book of Romans in little pieces at a time.

Let me be transparent. I don't memorize anything. Not recipes. Not scripture. Not remedies. I'm just not capable. I can't do it. I can paraphrase until the cows come home, but word for word? Nope. I'm not that girl.

Can I tell you a secret? I totally just memorized the first two verses in Romans 1! I did it! Yep, this girl!

Ann encouraged using a program called Scripture Typer. Anything that can get ME to memorize is no joke. =]~

New laptop!

Okay, so now that I've touted the awesomeness of my new laptop from every mountain I know from which to shout, we can get down to some business!

I literally have a million things brewing in my brain and I knew the time would come when I would have to figure out how to focus my blog.

Maybe I get two?

Here's the thing...

I love food. I love to cook. I love to organize events.

However...

I also have a heart yearning for Christ and longing to love others... 

I don't know how to make both things co-exist on one blog. I mean, I can do it, but if I hope to grow my blog, which I do... where's the focus?

I want ONE place to call home. I don't want to have to wobble all over the place trying to make sure I'm updating the right things, on the right blog, at the right time... I just wanna do it! 

I'm done with the rant. I'll be thinking about how to make this work.

In the meantime, my world is crazy full! I have a few blog posts just waiting to be written. A baby shower post, a bridal shower post, and I think I have a random recipe or two.

I also have a few God things brewing in my heart. None of which I've been able to put to paper, erm blog, yet. They're coming, though.

Until I start spilling... ciao!

Oh, satan... you can't hold ME down!

In the years that I've struggled with chronic illness, I've learned a couple of things.

First, this is satan. All satan and nothing but satan. Amen.

Second, I have a choice in this matter. I can choose to allow satan to hold me in captivity or I can break free and allow Christ to deliver me from this. Does this mean I'm healed? I believe I am, it just hasn't shown itself in a physical manner yet. The healing, thus far, has been spiritual and I trust that, one day, God will heal my body. In the meantime, it's up to me how to proceed. I can wallow in my self pity or I can put myself aside and live the life God has for me.

I've been writing this post, in my head, all morning, while scrubbing toilets. It isn't a glamorous job, but it's the one that God has called me to do each morning before I do my other job. As I lay in bed this morning, half crippled by, yet another bad day, I had to make a choice. I could allow satan to win, keep me in bed, and not perform the work God has called me to do or I could get up and go face the day that the Lord made for me. I'm tired of satan winning. I'm tired of him trying to steal joy from me and some of my closest friends who struggle with pain or illness on a daily basis. Today, I choose Christ. Today, I choose joy. Today, I choose to live for whatever God has for me - even if it's just clean toilets for my co-workers. This is MY calling for today and I'm owning it.

I want to encourage my friends who are struggling today - I am praying for you, each of you. I pray for your strength, for your peace, for your comfort, for your faith in healing, and for your courage to face the day that the Lord hath made. I know your struggle. I live your struggle. Let's kick satan's butt today! Today will be BETTER! 

Home sharing

As I write this, I am preparing my heart for a big change and a huge adjustment. In about a month, I will be moving. After a lot of prayer and consideration, I've decided that things have just GOT to get better (remember, that's my ONE WORD for this year). I went to my dear friends, whom we've often teased with together about this very thing, with the topic of sharing their home with me and my kidlet. Amazingly, they talked about it that afternoon before I even got there.

Some of the advantages for both of us are the lightened financial burdens, lessened demand on each of us in meal preparation and house cleaning, and help with our kids in various ways.

Some of the disadvantages for both of us include a lessened sense of privacy, possible disagreements in household duties, and learning each others quirks in a whole new way.

I would ask anyone who reads this (the whole ONE of you who might! haha) to be in prayer WITH us as we make this transition.

One word - Better

                                                                Click the link below.
                                   (Make sure you click the "about" tab at the top of the page)
                                                              (I'm so bossy, right??)

What's your word for 2012 going to be?

This is something I will be challenging myself with through the year, but I am also going to present the challenge to our ladies ministry and to anyone who happens to stumble across my blog.

My word is better. I wanted my word to be love. I really did. But with me, it's always love, love, love... I love to love. That isn't going to challenge me the way I need it to. I need to be challenged.

If I could pick a word for our church lately, it's been more. Which is sorta like better, but different. I do want more, but I also want better. I want better relationship with Christ, I want better relationship with people, I want better for myself. I could go on and on... so while it's kind of like more and along the lines of love - it's just different enough that I can claim it! =]

New Years Resolutions

We're being honest here, right? Right... Good. I hate New Years resolutions. And I don't use the word hate often or lightly – I really loathe them.

Why?

Well, let me count the ways...

They're often not thought out well or planned for properly. For instance, saying I wanna lose 20 pounds is great, but what's the action plan behind it. Saying I wanna work out more is great, how am I gonna make that happen. Saying I want to blog more is terrific, but when am I gonna have time?

I feel like we set ourselves up for failure because we set a goal without an action plan to back it up. It's not that I don't have goals – I have thousands of them... Here's a flaw in me... I have SO many goals and not enough action plans. I can't achieve my goals without knowing HOW I'm going to achieve them.

Here is my resolve for 2012 – to be the best me that God has created me to be, no matter what that looks like to anyone else. He is the most important in my life. I want to go and do and be where and what and who He wants - not where I want. It isn't always the same path. The more I've learned about Him and growing in relationship with Him, His ways are always better.

Do I want to fall in love – sure do – but should I just walk around looking for people to fall in love with or should I be falling in love with Jesus everyday so that I am prepared when He brings someone in my life.

Do I want to blog more – sure do – but should I forsake time and relationship with other people in my life to make that happen or should I do what God has called me to do and just love people?

Do I want to lose weight – sure do – but should that consume me so much that I forget to enjoy life or can I be all right with small indulgences along the way?

Don't put too much pressure on yourself – resolutions should be made all year long and not just once a year... if you want to do something new and the idea (along with the action plan) doesn't come to you until March – then start in March. There's no reason to set a ton of things on your shoulders all at once. Do them as they come and check the boxes off as you go. You'll feel better that way, I'm sure of it. At least I do...

Rant over. =]

Joy!

Isn't it just a little bit ironic how you can be unhappy yet full of joy at the same time? Well, that's how my entire weekend has been. I believe it's because joy and happiness, while often used interchangeably, are really two completely different things.

There are things that make me happy. A foo-foo coffee, a good book, a good movie, a night out with friends. But, joy... that's from within. It's something that makes up the person you are, the actions you take, the words you speak. I have joy even though I don't feel really happy right now. It's amazing.

This weekend started with a Friday off work so that I could just catch up on some rest. I hadn't been sleeping well and I just needed to sleep. I did. It was great. I found myself a bit lonely on Friday, but I knew what was coming the next day and it helped to keep my spirits in check.

Saturday morning I was host to a houseful of ladies for our church Ladies Ministry monthly meeting. You see, a few months ago, God was really talking to me, trying to explain why we needed a ladies ministry so badly. Don't get me wrong, I was in complete agreement. We did need one. However, the second part of God's talk with me was that He wanted ME to lead it! Uhm, I'm sorry, what? God -- I know You're all knowing and all that, but I think You might have this one a little mixed up. I spent a lot of time praying about it and then I eventually poured out my feelings in a letter to my pastor, which recently led to the development of our new ladies ministry! Obedience, right? Got it!

So, Saturday morning was wonderful to say the least. We ate and drank coffee, played a great get to know you game, drew names for prayer sisters, and, best of all, played the Yarn Game. Oh. Have you ever done this? I wish I knew where I first saw the idea, but I can't remember. Here are the basics:

Start with all the ladies sitting in a circle with one lady holding the end of a ball of yarn. The woman with the yarn will tell something about herself, it can be as or as little personal as she likes. Then anyone who has that in common raises their hand and the first woman passes the ball of yarn to one of the women who raised her hand. In some cases, there may be several women who raise their hand, just choose one. Then, whoever is holding the ball does the same thing, says something about herself, then passes the yarn. In the end, all the women are holding pieces of this yarn and we are all connected. We all have something in common. We're all provided to one another, by God, to be there for each other. Whew. I learned a lot of interesting things, but I saw a lot of hurt too. It was a great opportunity to pray for each woman sitting in my living room, one at a time. The verses I referenced were 2 Corinthians 1:3-4.

Later that day, I was able to get my house put back together and even color my hair before I was off for a night with my friends. This was a little bittersweet since the night's been planned for a few weeks because we were planning a birthday celebration for my no-longer sweetie. However, instead of cancelling, I went anyway and I'm so glad I did. We had a wonderful time! We saw "The Rise of the Planet of the Apes" and I laughed, cried, got scared, and was mad throughout the movie. I liked it! Then, we had a great dinner at Union Jacks in Winchester. I love that place. It's like an English Pub smack in the middle of Northern VA! =]

On to Sunday, church. Oh, I love my church. I can't say that enough. I LOVE MY CHURCH! =] While at church, I was prepared to put all my hurt from the week aside and just worship God. I did pretty all right. When we sang Majesty, I may have lost it just a little bit. But I recovered quickly! But it was what happened when I was leaving church that allowed me to see just another way God loves me.

During church, I was given two envelopes. When I got to my car, okay, I was already driving down the road, and I opened the envelopes to see what was in them. The first was a card. This song was playing on the radio and I was right at the part that says "But You love me anyway. It's like nothing in life that I've ever known. Yes, You love me anyway. Oh, Lord, how You love me." So inside the card was written a very sweet message along with a small monetary gift to me with instructions to do something FOR ME with it. Really, God? So, now I have to pull over.

The second envelope. Sigh. I have to backtrack to yesterday for a minute... the ladies are going on a mini-retreat to see Beth Moore in Baltimore, MD. The cost is minimal, but when someone has very little disposable income, like me right now, every little bit counts. I wrote my check out, asked if it could be cashed after Thursday so I knew the funds would be available. It was no problem. So, back to the second envelope. Inside was my check with a note saying "Here is your check back because someone has sponsored you for the event."

Can someone please tell me why you WOULDN'T believe that God is in control of EVERYTHING!?

I've written a lot. I could write a lot more. My heart is full of JOY -- deep down, Holy Spirit JOY! And, I hope, if you're reading this, you can understand what that joy is all about. If you can't, let me know... I'll tell you all about my Jesus. =]

Can ya feel me?

This has been a hard week. A really hard week.

My heart's been broken. Again.

The good news is that this heartbreak comes while I'm living my life with Jesus. Oh, what a comfort He is to me. I know that while my heart breaks, He holds me together. He is eager to mend me. He is in place to rock me to sleep and whisper promises that it'll be okay. He holds my hurt. I love Him. He is showing me a better way. He is protecting me. He is putting back the pieces even as I write this post.

I surrender.

"Creator only You take brokenness and create it into beauty once again" ~ Barlow Girl.

I knew this was a chance I was taking. Allowing my self to become vulnerable. Allowing myself to be a woman and not just mom. Allowing myself to trust. Allowing myself to feel.

It's not wasted. I've learned lessons. A lot of them actually. I've learned that there are men who know how to treat a woman like he should. I've learned that I'm not the best mom I could be. I've learned that loving someone with Jesus in the middle is a much better love than I ever could have expected. I've learned that not all men are a-holes, some just have issues. I have issues.

I will weave my way through this hurt with the most amazing Craftsman I could ever ask for. He will be my guide. Always.

This IS a food blog, right?

It is. It is. But sometimes my heart is just begging to cry out for more. Right now, I'm sad. Sad for a young lady whom I love dearly. She will never understand the depths of my love for her or maybe she will, one day. You see, her mom and I are very close. We both moved to this area around the same time and became fast friends. She was my rock, shelter, storm chaser, shoulder to cry on, friend to love, and constant companion almost from the very beginning. I love her. Immensely. Of course, that means I love her children with the same vigor and passion that I love her. When they hurt, I hurt. While details are not relevant, at least not for this post, please lift up a prayer for my friends daughter... God knows of that for which you will be praying--He does know everything, right?

So, maybe while this IS a food blog, it can also lend a place for me to pour out my heart from time to time. A place where I can plead with you to pray for me or for those I love. Maybe even a place I can just share what's on my heart at that particular time. I'm not a great writer. I doubt you'll come away with anything great and awesomely spiritual... but you will occasionally find my heart. And the places it hurts or finds joy or just feels something worth sharing.